permis de conduire

i passed my driving exam an hour ago. a rite of passage. or at least that was that i thought it was.
since i've had an american license for more than a decade this doesn't seem to be a big deal - but it is. this was the moment that i acknowledged the local bureaucracy, that i accepted to be tested by the "locals", after having been driving in this same system forever, or at least that's what it feels like. so what are the lessons learned?
i know how to drive. but i've actually never doubted that. what i have doubted was whether i'd ever get into trouble for dodging the law. but that was also one of the perks! sticking it to the man. and not putting anyone else in jeopardy (now that's formal, since HE passed me, after i accepted him as an authority. makes HIM kind of like Him). i think i'll miss that feeling of being on "the other side of the law" every time i sit in the driver's seat.
i can face obstacles. not that i've recently had reason to doubt that. in the past past fortnight alone i've finished a one-year translation of a book (which had cost me my soul, social life, nerves, not to mention time and intellectually crippling me), i finished 2008 with 4,500 extra kilometers on my bike, having compelted the greatest climb available in serbia (i don't know that anyone else has done it, start to finish), i work like a maniac, and i'm not affraid of failure - which has kept me gunning for andd achieving higher goals than i'd otherwise even attempt.
i'm never satisfied. why should i be? this was nonsense. "you want a goal? go run another maraton." there's always new things i want. i'm unsatiable. satisfaction doesn't help quell the craving. right now i'm sitting in a cafe, thinking about how i haven't gone running in months. and i have new shoes that have never seen asphalt!
it doesn't really change anything i'm essentially the same person that i was yesterday. i'm essentially the same person i was a year and a half ago, but i've forgotten who that is exactly... now that the peak of the holidays has passed (just a "few" "minor" ones left) it's time to get back to business. and what's next is getting back to things like this, things like people, things like getting back in shape, things like the next book which is waiting. those things remain, those things will always remain. i guess that is what my life is about. at least for the moment.
life is THE adventure.

the whirlpool

every time i try to get back here the same thing happens. i read the last post. and i realize that it's not what i've been doing, and that i should try it (again). and i just keep going in circles, getting caught up, getting worked up, realizing that's not it, going back to the beginning. it almost seems like life has become boring. or maybe its just me. being boring.
even special things have become routine. i know how to ride 100 kilometers without working out, i know i can work 12-hour (net) days if i have to, i know i can go bare-chested when the sidewalks starts to freeze. watching jelena eat a danish before we start working.
do i know where Change lies.

the recipe

But I guess the question is what did I learn along the way. Definitely that I’m not cut out to survive the existing workaholic gene. It’s a genetic predisposition that tends to drive you to your demise, or at least me – but I know the cure. It’s just a matter of being a good patient and taking my therapy. The doctor’s orders? A healthy dose of sports, a balanced diet of work, hobbies and people, and regularly changing my surroundings. Mental hygiene.

where i am

It took a series of a week in Holland, a week of chilling in Belgrade, a 170 km weekend of biking to Arandjelovac, a week at the coast, 4-day 400 kilometer solo bike ride, a 5-day escape to a volunteer photo camp and friend, climbing the highest mountain in Serbia – by bike, and getting on a bus to the coast – only to sigh a sigh of relief. That is how bad I allowed myself to get. I haven’t even been to this blog page in a long time. At least I got back to the road, to photography. To doing things with people.

as the rain falls...

... on a day before (an) easter, i once again pause to think about how much i miss people, meaningful conversation, how much work and solitude have become my life (at least for the moment), how much i miss people i haven't spoken to in months, others i haven't really seen since last summer... and i ask myself - is it all really worth it? no. it isn't.
here's to you, dear friend. i'm looking forward so seeing you sooner, rather than later...

going and going...

sometimes you sit still... you sit still and imagine places. the places i imagine i've seen from above... i've flow over them and found the gaps in civilization... i have found the green patches where few have been and fewer venture... i long for them.

i've been sitting in my armchair all day, eating oranges with the television on. stories of other people's lives going by... interpretations, excerpts, spins, cultures, intimacy... all those are memories that i recall as being once part of daily life, presently replaced by keyboards, screens, dictionaries and a lot, a lot of internet. even now, as i sit in the semi-darkness, i am still only looking out of Windows into the world.

and longing today even for a ride down the street, round the corner, beneath the railroad tracks, up the river and away... into the green.

looking in the window...

looking out onto the road. longing for the asphalt, the wind and the miles. breathing slowly, heart still pounding... just longing... longing so much... for this road.