as the rain falls...

... on a day before (an) easter, i once again pause to think about how much i miss people, meaningful conversation, how much work and solitude have become my life (at least for the moment), how much i miss people i haven't spoken to in months, others i haven't really seen since last summer... and i ask myself - is it all really worth it? no. it isn't.
here's to you, dear friend. i'm looking forward so seeing you sooner, rather than later...

going and going...

sometimes you sit still... you sit still and imagine places. the places i imagine i've seen from above... i've flow over them and found the gaps in civilization... i have found the green patches where few have been and fewer venture... i long for them.

i've been sitting in my armchair all day, eating oranges with the television on. stories of other people's lives going by... interpretations, excerpts, spins, cultures, intimacy... all those are memories that i recall as being once part of daily life, presently replaced by keyboards, screens, dictionaries and a lot, a lot of internet. even now, as i sit in the semi-darkness, i am still only looking out of Windows into the world.

and longing today even for a ride down the street, round the corner, beneath the railroad tracks, up the river and away... into the green.

looking in the window...

looking out onto the road. longing for the asphalt, the wind and the miles. breathing slowly, heart still pounding... just longing... longing so much... for this road.

blankness...

it's not that i have no substance, but i have not essence. life has become a two-month marathon work project that has me simply dismissing the existence of anything other than translation. i've started to quite actively although effectively hating my computer, just wishing to spend time away from it (but that doesn't get me any closer to the goal of freedom)... i'm developing the physical syndromes of overworking myself - impaired focus ability and the damn tennis elbow... and the race is not even close to being over...

i've always been cautious in my profession...
and then i overdid it. and i kept overdoing it. and now i'm overdone.

and there's no getting out. the only way it getting down.
so i try to get up, try to keep to the side.
try to look ahead, not look behind and trust the person i distrust the most

- myself.

no photo.

i don't want to have an image of today. a total diffusion of energy, leading to chaos. i go to sleep tonight wishing to see a tomorrow that is like yesterday... to forget events but remember all the systems that should have been developed over the past seven years...

chaos. lack of principles, lack of thought, reverting back to barbarism, resolving issues with sticks and stones... and talking about civilization!

there is a pain... and there is a confusion. but i cannot decipher which of the two is greater.

i went to settle taxes this morning. i turns out i might be owing a huge amount - half of someone's annual salary. i'm numb. i don't feel that. i know i will survive it...

...now i should just go back to work, work hard, and when i'm finished it will all be alright.