wanting...

A long time ago, in a land of chaos and freedom, a young lad wanted something. And he wanter it badly. And he wanted it for so long and so much that it just fell apart. The more he tried the further away it was. And then he could no longer see it, and he lost the vision. It just faded...
He later found something else that he wanted, and he started anew. He did everything he could think of, everything he had ever heard anyone else had done to achieve this, but it was all in vain. He watched himself want and try, and yet again he watched his want drift away, and the more he swam, the further it was, until it was over the horizon...
Over the years he realized that this was a reoccuring theme... He then decided to stop wanting. It took years for this to actually happen. Then one day he woke up - and it was gone. He had stopped wanting. He lived happily. But not ever after.
A part of him had died. True, he had rid himself of that most evil monster - expectation, but he had also killed that most beautiful of things - yearning. Life was simpler without disappointment, but it was also duller. Nothing could hurt him, but he also stopped feeling, careing. His heart had turned to stone. And no one can empathize with a heart of stone.
And then it happened. Sitting all alone, having escaped to a monastery and away from everyone - he had a revelation. What he really wanted was to feel. And having shattered the stone, exposing the soft, vulnerable but still beating heart - he realized what he had been feeling all the time. He had but one true love, only one that he carried within, and that was the truth. With this knowledge he stood up, tall and proud, and went off into the world to pursue her, and win her back... For the love of your life comes but once... And you've gotta be a damn fool to let her slip away! (no matter how much it might hurt to ultimately lose her)

My Phantom Limb

I had her.
She had me.
I wanted a lot.
I had no idea what.
I had no idea what she wanted.
She wanted me.
I wanted her to want more.
I didn’t know who I was.
I’m not sure I know even now.
No one could want that, right?

She knew who I was.
I didn’t realize that.
Then I broke it.
I did.
I had to let her go.
I broke her heart.
Now I don’t have her.

I lost all the trust.
I hope that there is a way.
I beg her forgiveness.
My heart is aching.

I hope she has herself.
I really do.
She still has me.
I know that.
I hope she knows that.
I can’t even say anything.
That doesn’t matter.

I want her to have herself.
I want her to spread her wings.
I have no right to expect their shelter.
I want her to do things for herself.
I want her to grow big and strong and happy.
I want her to conquer the world.
This is what she deserves.

I have no right to expect anything.
I want not to expect anything.
I’ve forfeited all rights.
I want her never to see this.
I can’t have any wants.
What I want is irrelevant.

She is my phantom limb.

how old?

i notice more and more often a "fascination" with age, or at least the issue of age. it starts with the realization that people born in the sixties, who are just a bit older than me, are nearing fifty. but i still end up with the conviction that age is not a matter of calendar, but rather a state mind.
i remember back in elementary school, when addition and what a century was were the greatest problems i faced, the teacher made us calculate how old we would be in the year 2000. twenty-four seemed two lifetimes away. it seems that way again - just in the other direction... i thought i'd never get it, i had no idea what course i wanted to take, and in the end i didn't and don't have a grand scheme. i take each day for itself, with a general idea of where i want to go, and then i just work on it. work every day on something and eventually you get somewhere.
but then i look at my fellow man, and the life he lives... and i wonder whether i have it better, or made it better, and should try to "save" him... or perhaps i am the fool, peter pan, dismissing the obligatory maturation...
in any case, my body reminds me from time to time (to time, to time, and then again) that things are not as they used to be, that the accumulation of experience has become overwhelming, and that time is inevitably passing... hence - more advanced age.

alt-tab

working hours begin, but i've been up (and online) for hours... and i catch my left hand twitching, twitching on these two keys... i am unfulfilled, although i haven't really even started working today, i search for substance, a small fix of information that will get my motor running... so that i may hit the highway and real work at full speed and efficiency. but nothing fulfills me, not the movie running behind this window, not the music (which is paused on account of the movie), not the blogs i follow (i've read them all), nor the funnies, not facebook (which i'm not comfrotable with these days), nor does anyone write emails this early in the morning...
i'm the information junky. i am doomed.

re:

to: iva
subject: re:
i try [to notice beauty]... sometimes i succeed. actually, i think that i succeed much more than others. if i were to hear a violinist in paris, i would certainly stop. i’d probably leave half an euro. but that’s because i don’t live in paris... it was a great challenge to start taking pictures of belgrade. it’s not because it’s not white [beo - white, grad – city] – but because it is mine...
... everything that is really yours is also real. and real things have their down side. the question is only how you deal with it.

the reason that i live in serbia is...

...the limited freedom.

sounds strange, but that's the price you pay for comfort. it's like riding down a road. a wise man explained to me the other day that too much freedom breeds dissatisfaction and hence discomfort. if you define your needs, and your needs are met - it doesn't matter that there is more freedom across the fence. if there is freedom, it requires choice. too much choice - and you start spending time/energy/nerves on deciding things that you (definitely) need, but you don't need the details, the fine tuning. by defining a frame for yourself, satisfying the basic (technical) necessities, you get to focus on your own priorities in life. and you can excel. that is what i want. to constantly keep moving forward. and in the aspects and directions of my own choice.
so i once again find myself in a world that exists between the worlds of the "free" and complicated (dispersed) west, and the "narrow" and simple (focused) east... and i find myself in the place where i feel comfortable, because on one hand i have what i need and the freedom to enjoy it, while on the other i have remarks and the patience to improve things.

hooked...

...is what i am. i'm not sure whether it is "communication" or "work" or "stability/comfort", but i just realized that there is a slight anxiety about leaving belgrade (although it's for 4 days and it's to go skiing!). i guess i'm just hooked. sitting in the office, i choose to postpone all preparations (although everything is more-less settled), just so that i could enjoy being here, doing this... working.
on the other hand this is precisely what i've been pushing myself to do - to focus on the huge project at hand. rationally - if you finish the majority of the work during the winter, then you can enjoy the summer somewhere else, outside, away from the city, crusing, voyaging, experiencing... it's only my third time around this cycle, but at least i have some idea about where i want to be (and after last year's experienec - more importantly where i don't want to be!)...
i guess i'll just enjoy this feeling for a moment, get back to the book, and tonight settle the final details so that i can go and come back, and get back on track... until the next unplugged opportunity arises!