dealing with competition

somewhere along the way i realized that i don't handle competition well. unless i'm my own competition. and that's a handful already.
so along the way i chose not to engage in competition. i compete against myself, and i get incredible pleasure from beating myself. i've biked mountains, crossed seas, ran til everyone went home, created, grown, shared, loved...
always without engaging in competition. i just don't do well. i guess i don't have the drive to defeat another. i have to fundamentally change my game just to try to try to win a set in tennis. and i don't like it. it's not my game.
and it's all great. well most of it.
you see, i don't fear (the) competition because i know who i am, why i do what i do, and how much (and in what way) i care about it. caring... is the problem.
competition kills me. i get half way through the set balanced with the opposition. then i just don't deliver the fatal blow. and then when i care to much to win - i blow it. i don't deliver the blow - i just blow it. i just don't handle competition.
but on my own - i kick (my own) ass! :)

...at least i know what the problem is. that's the beginning.
oh, yeah - this is the case when were even. mess with me on my turf, with my thing - and you'll get the opportunity for a slap with the gauntlet. and then you get to ride the catapult to the moon!

Zgrabi priliku

Prokleto zgrabi priliku kad je pred tobom. Uhvatis je sa obe ruke, scepas jako, kad si vec bio zeljan/zeljna. Isisas sve sto zivot pruza. Budes hrabar/hrabra, mudara/mudra, odlucan/odlucna. Prilike se ne javljaju svaki dan, i potpuno je glupo zaliti (ja znam). I onda napravis nesto od toga. Nesto super, ono sto si zeleo/zelela, ono sto si sanjao/sanjala, ides dalje, dalje ima mnogo dobrih stvari, prokleta buducnost, ona sto je sam/a krojis. Nema bre nista da ti stane na put a da je ne razbijes, jel ti to mozes, a i znas da zelis (ma koliko se skrivao/skrivala iza neodlucnosti). To je sve sranje. Nije da imamo malo vremena na ovom svetu nego ga trosimo na gluposti. A kad stanes, kad bas stanes, i kad bas razmislis, znas koje su stvari koje su prave, koje su ti, koje su uvek bile ti, samo si bio/bila kukavica da se sa njima suocis. Ali kad ti se otvore oci, kad ti sine, onda ti to ostane. I tada su planine brdasca, mora su bare, i sve mozes da prevazidjes, jer si progledao/progledala. I tad pocinjes da zivis. Tad se desavaju prave stvari. Sve je ostalo papazjanija. A papazjanija je sranje. I sta sad sedis??? Uradi nesto! Uradi odmah. Ne cekaj da prodje ni ovaj trenutak! Koji ces kurac posle da razmislis. Zivot. Sad! Uradi to, impulsivno! Oseti vetar pozitivne neizvesnosti u kosii! Da, da. Tebi govodim. I znas sta treba da uradis, nemoj da se foliras. Mislim, foliraj se u formi, ali nemoj da se poigravas sa sustinom!
...jebo te koncert.

Superstitions...

It started raining - she's probably around the corner...
I've gone swimming - she's probably around the corner...
The sun is shining - she's probably around the corner...
A car has stopped - she's probably around the corner...
I'm at the store - she's probably around the corner...
There's a light on the horizon- she's probably around the corner...
I'm in the bathroom - she's probably around the corner...
That song is playing - she's probably around the corner...
I'm deep in my work - she's probably around the corner...
I'm not doing anything - she's probably around the corner...
I've given up hope - she's probably around the corner...
I'm writing this - she's probably around the corner...
I'm posting this - she's probably around the corner...

...She's not. I don't even know that she is coming.

wanting...

A long time ago, in a land of chaos and freedom, a young lad wanted something. And he wanter it badly. And he wanted it for so long and so much that it just fell apart. The more he tried the further away it was. And then he could no longer see it, and he lost the vision. It just faded...
He later found something else that he wanted, and he started anew. He did everything he could think of, everything he had ever heard anyone else had done to achieve this, but it was all in vain. He watched himself want and try, and yet again he watched his want drift away, and the more he swam, the further it was, until it was over the horizon...
Over the years he realized that this was a reoccuring theme... He then decided to stop wanting. It took years for this to actually happen. Then one day he woke up - and it was gone. He had stopped wanting. He lived happily. But not ever after.
A part of him had died. True, he had rid himself of that most evil monster - expectation, but he had also killed that most beautiful of things - yearning. Life was simpler without disappointment, but it was also duller. Nothing could hurt him, but he also stopped feeling, careing. His heart had turned to stone. And no one can empathize with a heart of stone.
And then it happened. Sitting all alone, having escaped to a monastery and away from everyone - he had a revelation. What he really wanted was to feel. And having shattered the stone, exposing the soft, vulnerable but still beating heart - he realized what he had been feeling all the time. He had but one true love, only one that he carried within, and that was the truth. With this knowledge he stood up, tall and proud, and went off into the world to pursue her, and win her back... For the love of your life comes but once... And you've gotta be a damn fool to let her slip away! (no matter how much it might hurt to ultimately lose her)

My Phantom Limb

I had her.
She had me.
I wanted a lot.
I had no idea what.
I had no idea what she wanted.
She wanted me.
I wanted her to want more.
I didn’t know who I was.
I’m not sure I know even now.
No one could want that, right?

She knew who I was.
I didn’t realize that.
Then I broke it.
I did.
I had to let her go.
I broke her heart.
Now I don’t have her.

I lost all the trust.
I hope that there is a way.
I beg her forgiveness.
My heart is aching.

I hope she has herself.
I really do.
She still has me.
I know that.
I hope she knows that.
I can’t even say anything.
That doesn’t matter.

I want her to have herself.
I want her to spread her wings.
I have no right to expect their shelter.
I want her to do things for herself.
I want her to grow big and strong and happy.
I want her to conquer the world.
This is what she deserves.

I have no right to expect anything.
I want not to expect anything.
I’ve forfeited all rights.
I want her never to see this.
I can’t have any wants.
What I want is irrelevant.

She is my phantom limb.

how old?

i notice more and more often a "fascination" with age, or at least the issue of age. it starts with the realization that people born in the sixties, who are just a bit older than me, are nearing fifty. but i still end up with the conviction that age is not a matter of calendar, but rather a state mind.
i remember back in elementary school, when addition and what a century was were the greatest problems i faced, the teacher made us calculate how old we would be in the year 2000. twenty-four seemed two lifetimes away. it seems that way again - just in the other direction... i thought i'd never get it, i had no idea what course i wanted to take, and in the end i didn't and don't have a grand scheme. i take each day for itself, with a general idea of where i want to go, and then i just work on it. work every day on something and eventually you get somewhere.
but then i look at my fellow man, and the life he lives... and i wonder whether i have it better, or made it better, and should try to "save" him... or perhaps i am the fool, peter pan, dismissing the obligatory maturation...
in any case, my body reminds me from time to time (to time, to time, and then again) that things are not as they used to be, that the accumulation of experience has become overwhelming, and that time is inevitably passing... hence - more advanced age.

alt-tab

working hours begin, but i've been up (and online) for hours... and i catch my left hand twitching, twitching on these two keys... i am unfulfilled, although i haven't really even started working today, i search for substance, a small fix of information that will get my motor running... so that i may hit the highway and real work at full speed and efficiency. but nothing fulfills me, not the movie running behind this window, not the music (which is paused on account of the movie), not the blogs i follow (i've read them all), nor the funnies, not facebook (which i'm not comfrotable with these days), nor does anyone write emails this early in the morning...
i'm the information junky. i am doomed.

re:

to: iva
subject: re:
i try [to notice beauty]... sometimes i succeed. actually, i think that i succeed much more than others. if i were to hear a violinist in paris, i would certainly stop. i’d probably leave half an euro. but that’s because i don’t live in paris... it was a great challenge to start taking pictures of belgrade. it’s not because it’s not white [beo - white, grad – city] – but because it is mine...
... everything that is really yours is also real. and real things have their down side. the question is only how you deal with it.

the reason that i live in serbia is...

...the limited freedom.

sounds strange, but that's the price you pay for comfort. it's like riding down a road. a wise man explained to me the other day that too much freedom breeds dissatisfaction and hence discomfort. if you define your needs, and your needs are met - it doesn't matter that there is more freedom across the fence. if there is freedom, it requires choice. too much choice - and you start spending time/energy/nerves on deciding things that you (definitely) need, but you don't need the details, the fine tuning. by defining a frame for yourself, satisfying the basic (technical) necessities, you get to focus on your own priorities in life. and you can excel. that is what i want. to constantly keep moving forward. and in the aspects and directions of my own choice.
so i once again find myself in a world that exists between the worlds of the "free" and complicated (dispersed) west, and the "narrow" and simple (focused) east... and i find myself in the place where i feel comfortable, because on one hand i have what i need and the freedom to enjoy it, while on the other i have remarks and the patience to improve things.

hooked...

...is what i am. i'm not sure whether it is "communication" or "work" or "stability/comfort", but i just realized that there is a slight anxiety about leaving belgrade (although it's for 4 days and it's to go skiing!). i guess i'm just hooked. sitting in the office, i choose to postpone all preparations (although everything is more-less settled), just so that i could enjoy being here, doing this... working.
on the other hand this is precisely what i've been pushing myself to do - to focus on the huge project at hand. rationally - if you finish the majority of the work during the winter, then you can enjoy the summer somewhere else, outside, away from the city, crusing, voyaging, experiencing... it's only my third time around this cycle, but at least i have some idea about where i want to be (and after last year's experienec - more importantly where i don't want to be!)...
i guess i'll just enjoy this feeling for a moment, get back to the book, and tonight settle the final details so that i can go and come back, and get back on track... until the next unplugged opportunity arises!

into the wild

...has been playing on my computer for close to a week. i've reached minute 48 out of its two and a half hours. i haven't had the patience to watch any film in its entirety for years now. i mean i've been to theaters (not too often, but enough to know that) i can sit through something that i've made a big deal of (going out, getting tickets, making plans), but just to watch a film in the serenity of my own surroundings has become more-less impossible. i cant ditch myself.
so as i sit in the office on a sunny monday morning, waiting for my partner to arrive, i'm anxious to squeeze something else into my life, for example that movie that i liked so much when it started sometimes last week, and i go back and press play. and two minutes later, i'm axious to get back to work, even though its the only thing that lays ahead... at least for the day.

...and then when the day should be done (hours after i started writing this), i am still in in the same position, trying to keep my back straight, eyes high, mind focused and on alert. it's been hours since my partner left, and the movie has progressed 10 minutes... the mind wanders down all three lanes of the highway in my head - work, research, and the movie... but it also keeps hitting the side barriers, trying to jump the curb, gazing at the passing cultures, forests, the water passing below the bridges along the way, but not committing to a particular exit, therefore continueing on... with the steady rhythm of the passing division lines... wooom, wooom, wooom... and night has fallen, headligts are on, but no one going in my direction... just a bright hole in the darkness, and the reflective hint of the direction that the future brings. and the road keeping going on... and i don't known whether it leads back into the wild, nor where that actually is.

...keep the dream alive.

to: joan
"... - if there's one thing that i've learned living in a coutnry post-revolution - one should never expect the optimal outcome. everyone tends to paint the best picture (whether in speeches or own wishes), but the future is defined by much smaller and more pragmatic steps, taking into account many more and realistic factors than in the initial anticipation/dreaming... expecting the second- or third-best spares you from disappointment, which in turn helps keep the dream alive :)..."

living in between...

this and that. actually, between that and the other that. if i look left i see that i'm far from "good"... if i look right i see i'm far from "bad". to the west there is material prosperity, rule of law (or something like that), organization and liberty, to the east it's poverty disarray, chaos and freedom. upstream lay rights, downstream is the land of customs, tradition. balances everywhere. different points where they are achieved in different lands confuse any attempt of "objectify" the true meaning of quality of life. and where exactly to i see myself? i realized long ago that wherever i go there are pluses and minuses, blacks and reds, "rights" and "wrongs"... cross-cultural confusion. i guess i'm on my own...

hallelujah!

suddenly the elements just fall into place. i'm not sure whether it matters that its an hour before sunrise, that all the lights in the house are off, that i'm working in my armchair... it's the fact that at this very moment the world around me, the one that i can sense through the hairs on my bare arms, is at peace. and in the darkness jeff buckley is singing (a most excellent soundtrack by hugh laurie), and everything is the way it should be.
if i could only bookmark this moment and recall it whenever necessary...

permis de conduire

i passed my driving exam an hour ago. a rite of passage. or at least that was that i thought it was.
since i've had an american license for more than a decade this doesn't seem to be a big deal - but it is. this was the moment that i acknowledged the local bureaucracy, that i accepted to be tested by the "locals", after having been driving in this same system forever, or at least that's what it feels like. so what are the lessons learned?
i know how to drive. but i've actually never doubted that. what i have doubted was whether i'd ever get into trouble for dodging the law. but that was also one of the perks! sticking it to the man. and not putting anyone else in jeopardy (now that's formal, since HE passed me, after i accepted him as an authority. makes HIM kind of like Him). i think i'll miss that feeling of being on "the other side of the law" every time i sit in the driver's seat.
i can face obstacles. not that i've recently had reason to doubt that. in the past past fortnight alone i've finished a one-year translation of a book (which had cost me my soul, social life, nerves, not to mention time and intellectually crippling me), i finished 2008 with 4,500 extra kilometers on my bike, having compelted the greatest climb available in serbia (i don't know that anyone else has done it, start to finish), i work like a maniac, and i'm not affraid of failure - which has kept me gunning for andd achieving higher goals than i'd otherwise even attempt.
i'm never satisfied. why should i be? this was nonsense. "you want a goal? go run another maraton." there's always new things i want. i'm unsatiable. satisfaction doesn't help quell the craving. right now i'm sitting in a cafe, thinking about how i haven't gone running in months. and i have new shoes that have never seen asphalt!
it doesn't really change anything i'm essentially the same person that i was yesterday. i'm essentially the same person i was a year and a half ago, but i've forgotten who that is exactly... now that the peak of the holidays has passed (just a "few" "minor" ones left) it's time to get back to business. and what's next is getting back to things like this, things like people, things like getting back in shape, things like the next book which is waiting. those things remain, those things will always remain. i guess that is what my life is about. at least for the moment.
life is THE adventure.